Dear Friend,
This may come as a shock, but bubbly Lyndsi Pace has struggled with depression for all of her adult life and likely her teenage life, too. I think we're pretty good at hiding these things. In fact, 1 in 10 adults report having major depressive disorder each year, and that doesn't even begin to count those with anxiety, or those who experience a little change in mood each November called Seasonal Affective Disorder. Although genetics, vitamin D deficiencies, and other factors play a part in causing it, we don't really know why people suffer to this degree. However, we know for sure that those who suffer from some sort of anxiety or depression aren't usually bringing it upon themselves, and this illness is like any other illness that needs treatment (think cancer, for example). Good news is that there are some things we can do to ease the symptoms, and I can report that after many years of trial and error, I now function at an extraordinarily high level.
Those suffering from symptoms of depression will often hear from others that they just need to pray more or serve others more, or something else. I call these things drops in the bucket. The problem with many people, though, is that there are holes in the bucket that need to be patched before those drops will stay. Sometimes the holes need more intense treatment and medical attention before things that generally help other people actually help them. Here are some ideas for patching those holes:
1. I probably had about five therapists I saw who were not helpful. They would ask me why I was feeling bad without offering any helpful solutions, making me focus on the negativity and therefore feeling worse.* However, it was worth seeing these five therapists, if only to see the one therapist who actually was helpful. He didn't focus so much on what was wrong with my life (because let's face it, my life circumstances were perfectly fine), but he introduced me to the book
Feeling Good and the
10 cognitive distortions. He explained that every time I felt bad, it was coming from a bad thought, and usually that thought contained some sort of fallacy or distortion in thinking. I had to do homework for him: every time I felt bad, I had to write down what I was thinking. I then had to identify and write down which cognitive distortion I was experiencing whether it was over-generalization or jumping to conclusions or something else. Finally, I had to modify the thought to reflect the truth about my circumstances and write that down. I felt better 9 times of out 10 when I did that exercise. The key for the first few years was actually writing it down, so that I was sure to go through the entire process, but now I can just do this in my head and it works just as well.
2. I'm pretty bad at general journaling, but I have been consistent about keeping a gratitude journal and oh my goodness that has been a life saver. Every night (well, maybe half the nights), I write down 3 things that went well in my day or that I'm grateful for in general. I also give myself a bonus item: one thing I did to help someone else. I attest at least 75% of my general happiness and well-being to this simple exercise (I have to remind myself every night that it only takes 5 minutes, and it does). Recognizing the beautiful around you in general is helpful. My doctor friend Madelon told me recently that she tell patients with depression to take one picture a day. Love it.
3. Remember that changing the way you treat your body may really help. I can't say enough good about a healthy diet, daily aerobic exercise, and lots of sleep. I shoot for 9 hours a night and I feel lucky to have a career that often makes that possible. Natural remedies can be marginally helpful as well. I like to use lavender and orange aromatherapy. I also use full-spectrum light bulbs, especially in the winter.
4. Recognize that many of our go-tos on a bad day are not actually helpful, but often make us feel worse. This includes ice cream, TV, clothes shopping, etc. This is not to say that these things shouldn't be enjoyed in life, but just that they may distract for a minute without solving the problem at all. On particularly bad days, I've learned to pray first and often I feel better enough that I can do something more productive with my time that makes me feel even better. Something I've been understanding very recently is that the world needs me for so many things, and I cheat the world when I waste my time. This absolutely goes for you, too.
5. With that in mind, those with depression should recognize that they may not always be able to feel the love of God for whatever reason, but it's always there. At the darkest point of my life, I went for probably 6 months without feeling that love really at all, even though I was doing everything I should have to receive it. However, once things got better, I was able to look back and see that He was still with me during that time and guiding my life to get the help I needed. I have never heard anyone else express this phenomenon until last month LDS President Thomas Monson
gave a speech about it to women.
6. Realize that others will not always say helpful things (like "just fake it til you make it" or "snap out of it"...we should probably kill those people), but many people have been placed specifically in your path to help you. When I first started experiencing depression, I pleaded with God to know why this was necessary. I then received one of the clearest answers to prayer I've ever had: I needed to experience depression so that I could then have empathy for and help others. You better believe I've had many opportunities to do so. Some of the greatest things others have done to help me was to distract me. I'll never forget that on a rough day, my mom stopped what she was doing and played a board game with me. I feel like that was the greatest thing anyone ever did for me. Also, I remember talking to my brother who had depression before me and he told me that when he felt bad, he would eat chocolate and sing out loud. I tried it. So great.
7. Recognize that you will not be perfect about everything and that's okay because no one is. Depression will make it particularly hard to be your best self. I once threw a chair because I was so angry at someone (not at her, but, you know). That's cool. We're all a little crazy. All is forgiven now. Also, research has found that some of the happiest countries in the world like Denmark are that way because they have low expectations for life. They get up in the morning and understand that their day will have lots of bad and a little good, and then that happens and it's fine. I respect that so much.
8. Please keep in mind that many of these remedies would not be super helpful to me without some good old fashioned modern medicine. This has been one of the biggest holes patched in my bucket. It took me probably 3 years to admit I needed medication and another 9 months to find one that worked for me (plus there are real side effects), but I'm so grateful to have it. There have been probably 10 different times where I stopped taking it because I hated the fact that I was on medication, but then I would inevitably have a humongous breakdown every time and pretty much stop functioning. My ever-supportive parents have reminded me each time that even if I have to take medication the rest of my life, that's completely fine. I'm pretty sure people with kidney disease don't go off dialysis because they hate it. And maybe one day, through the help of a doctor, I won't have to take it anymore.
Anyway, there is a chance that none of this will help you, and that's fine. Maybe you have some other suggestions for combating depression. I'd love to hear them. Either way, please remember that I'm an open book and that I would be happy to discuss or distract at any point.
My Best,
Lyndsi
*This statement discounts those who have real issues that do need addressing, like a history of abuse. That is another beast altogether.
